A blog reader, Stacy, emailed me and asked me about how I became a believer and embraced Biblical womanhood. I pondered, thinking about my story, and said that maybe I will take the time to write about it. What prompted me to do that was that on the very same day, I read a similar question in a letter from my dear cousin and friend, Maggie. Both Stacy and Maggie also asked about the reaction of my family. That must be it, I thought! Time to sit down and put those memories and impressions into writing.
What you will read now is definitely not the whole story, but hopefully, it will give you some insight into what my life used to be, what it is now, and what I hope and pray it will become. Some of it was already shared in a post I wrote a couple of months ago, 'Reclaiming the Gift of Chastity' (not for very young readers!).
I should begin by saying I was raised in a secular family (Maggie, if you are reading this, you can skip this part because you already know it, of course!). My mother - unmarried and struggling with raising a child on her own - wanted the best for me, and had no idea how broken my soul would be after being educated according to the norms of this fallen world. As a teenager, no one told me anything against immodesty, flirting, dating, partying and other things that are regarded as normal in our culture. It was not until my late teens, after several dating 'relationships' and in the middle of the worst of them, abused, neglected, mistreated, and taken advantage of, I realized how wounded I am, and how my life can't go on like this anymore, and I also started realizing, bit by bit, what was the core of my problems: being away from God. Not giving my heart to Him. Not following His plan.
I didn't know how to make the change, how to find the strength and the right path, and sometimes I felt it was impossible, as my sins weighed like such a heavy burden on my shoulders. Therefore, realizing it's wrong, I continued my destructive behavior for a while, in great pain and confuse, at the same time crying out to God. I got rid of my abusive relationship, but was still miles and miles away from being on the right track.
I would like to take you back now to one evening during that painful period. It was a friend's birthday party, and after my fourth beer, I dropped down, nearly unconscious, in a bar's bathroom. Humiliated, helpless, scared, I sat on the cold floor and cried. I wanted to get out. I wanted to go home. I'm telling you about this horrendous experience so that you understand how low I fell, and how difficult it was to get back up.
I don't remember how I got home that night. But when I got up next morning, my head buzzing with hangover, blurry images of the previous night flashing through my brain, I crawled out of bed and washed my face and told myself it was the last time I allow something like this to happen. Never again. I want to do what God wants me to do, I want to follow His plan, as a young woman in the beginning of her journey of adult life, and I want to be a lady. I sat down in front of my computer, and absent-mindedly, still immersed in thought, my fingers typed in Google the following words: 'how do I become a lady?'
Can you guess which site I came across? That's right! Ladies against Feminism. With a mixture of fascination and disbelief, I started reading, first the new articles, then the archives, and couldn't stop for a long time.
Needless to say, I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I felt this is the model of femininity I have been looking for in my heart, during all those long and painful months. It felt like home. Heavily influenced by feminism, I never dared to articulate the thoughts LAF authors worded so boldly, but they sounded familiar, reflecting my heart's deepest desires. On the other hand, there were things I read with an expression of incredulity on my face: 'I'd love to do this, but how can it work? Can I ever really become a keeper at home? And what's all this talk on the father's authority? I don't have a father, so how do I fit into this picture?'
However, once it became obvious to me I know what I want, and more importantly, what God expects me to do, I realized most of my objections were rooted in many years of being spoon-fed feminism, Marxism, socialism and atheism in the system of public education. I had my vision clear, not only about modesty and being ladylike – even thought this is something I'm passionate about – but about my entire view on womanhood, how I see my life, today as a daughter and hopefully, as a future wife and mother.
Since that day, I never set foot in a pub or bar again, and never drank alcohol to the point of losing control or even lightheadedness. I'm very careful about my relationships with the opposite sex, the only acceptable venue of which, in my opinion, is courtship with the purpose of marriage. I'm engaged to a man who respects and treasures my renewed commitment to purity, chastity and modesty, and preparing, in God's time, to become a virtuous wife. And most importantly, I surrendered myself to Him, in everything I do, and find my happiness in Him alone.
As time passes by, I'm more and more filled with gratitude, for everything, and even for the suffering, as I know it was what brought me closer to Him, when nothing else would. It also helped me become a more compassionate, understanding, forgiving person. Had I not felt such intense and deep pain and remorse, I might have been awfully judgmental.
Seeing the change in me, and realizing how much happier I am, my mother still thinks I'm off my rocker. I don't have 'the same social life' anymore (praise God!), I rejected dating, I gave up on grand career plans, I wear only long skirts and dresses and I'm not ashamed to admit my biggest dream is to become a wife, helpmeet, homemaker and mother to many children. Many think I've lost my marbles, so to speak, but I don't care, because I know I put my fate in God's hands and let Him guide me through the wishes, desires, doubts, fears, sorrows and joys that overflow my heart – today and every day, until my last breath.