Tuesday, December 8, 2009

"If you really loved me..."

Read this great article.

“It’s so frustrating. Every morning when I come down to read the paper, it’s a mess. The sections are all jumbled together and there’s often a wet spot where my husband has spilled some milk and cheerios. If he loved me, he’d be more considerate, right?”

In the flow of mundane life, it's sometimes so easy to blow little things out of proportions and let them ruin our relationships. I really can't help but wonder how many marriages were ruined because of a genuine problem (such as cheating, abuse or drug addiction), and how many because of needless drama.

"We actually end up damaging our marriages if we treat everything with dire and ultimate importance."

I agree.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

But the sad thing is, in the modern world, I think we've lost sight of what is and is not drastic. My relationship of two and a half years just fell apart, and my so-called friends seem to think that the fact that I accused my ex-boyfriend of being immature was more drastic than the fact that he repeatedly cheated on me and lied to me.

Anonymous said...

I liked the article, but I think it simplifies things too much. When a spouse is getting upset over the newspaper or the dishes it is a cover for something more important going on. Forget the newspaper and look for the real source of all that resentment, bigger problems are beneath it and must be adressed.

Melody

Thia said...

I haven't read the whole article, but I dare say that her annoyance over the wet newspaper is actually a front for much bigger feelings. There is probably a larger problem that she isn't expressing.

Joie said...

Not much that is more true than that last statement.

Anonymous said...

Hello Anna. I don't know the larger context from which these comments come, of course, and I in no way think that people should undermine relationships because of something as trivial as disorganised newspapers. :-/ It is interesting, however, to consider the accumulation of small marks of respect or disrespect, consideration or disregard, as they creep into or out of any relationship. The small matters--remembering to be respectful of the space around us, the objects around us, because someone we love may be there, use them--is actually vitally important over time. It's part of the larger scheme of negotiating other humans' space that allows us to live with them peacefully. It's a form of basic civility. Men are often--often--blind to these things. They are NOT incapable (unless they are idiots, and some men, like some women, are) of understanding how this works. Indeed, it's largely a matter of how they were raised. So I just think that angle is perhaps worth considering--and maybe you should blog about it! You would do so very beautifully, I know.

Anonymous said...

This post truly hits home.

Have an inspiring day, Anna dear.

Prayers,
W

Anonymous said...

Well, I agree, and I don't agree. Sure, cheating and addictions are big issues which destroy marriages. They are like the hurricanes and tornadoes of marriage.

However, there is also the drip, drip, drip, from the faucet which is annoying, and is actually used as a form of torture. In the case of marriage, the constant drip is in the form of rudeness and inconsiderateness (and nagging.) These, also, ruin a marriage over time. Ideally, everyone will be endlessly forgiving and will never feel resentment and bitterness. Many, however, find it unacceptable to endure a lack of kindness and courtesy on a daily basis. It gets "old."

leah Burks said...

Totally agree! Cool site you linked from, too.

Bernice said...

This is good. I have been reading the book "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. She talks some about this kind of thinking. She made me relize some things aren't worth getting a divorce over. Just let it go. If we continue in this kind of thinking for long, that is where we will end up. Alone.

Wordy Wife said...

I'm a new wife and have been learning this lesson for myself. Whenever I get irritated with my husband over a minor issue, I stop and ask myself, "in the eternal scheme of things, does this really matter?" Most of the time, the answer is no. We don't need to cause contention and strife in our marriages because of little things that just don't matter.

angela said...

It so true that many woman will ruin a marraige with a really good man becuase of such non-sense. I was one of those woman for a couple years in our marraige, BUT thank the Lord and His word that He showed me these flaws. Now I try very hard to focus on the many positive things about my man and not pay attention to the little stuff. Thanks for a great reminder!!!

angela said...

Sorry, I just thought of something... Here in the States were having a serious recession, depending on where you are some would say depression. Anyway, the article was published by something like the "Association of Divorce Lawyers" and they were saying that this year there have been a lot less divorces filed. I guess when you are really going through something hard like loosing houses, or jobs, and sickness you pull together alot more?! What you said is true it's when you have no real problems that you start to make them and those are more dangerous to our relationships... Thanks again!!!

Rose said...

It took me a few years longer than you to learn this Anna, but learn i I did. I'm so glad.

Anonymous said...

Anna,

The article was great! Thanks for sharing the link!

-Rachelle PW

Jo said...

How true - in our house it is socks - they go "missing" - and it makes my husband cross - staying calm is the answer (and looking for the missing socks) and keeping ones mouth shut so nothing nasty comes out. My mum always said "if you have nothing nice to say, DON'T say anything."

Anonymous said...

I think you need to distinguish between "needless drama" over petty issues like a cereal-soaked paper, and when the seemingly petty issues are really just the symptoms of a much larger problem.

Most couples argue about "topics" instead of whatever the true core problem might be, and it takes a measure of self-awareness to tell the difference. The cereal on the paper is a topic, not feeling valued is an issue.

So if your spouse is generally a thoughtful and considerate person who makes you feel valued and respected the vast majority of the time, remind yourself of that and don't waste the energy getting worked up over the little annoyances.

However, if the deeper issue is that you chose to marry an inconsiderate person who is not sensitive to your feelings and this extends far beyond the morning paper, definitely *don't* dismiss your reactions as petty --take a hard look at what dynamic is at work in your marriage and see if there are steps you can take as a couple to change it for the better.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anna,
You don't have to publish this comment; I just wanted to alert you to something. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now, and I noticed that you recently put The Thinking Housewife's blog in your blogroll. I had a look at it and found some really distressing stuff about inter-racial marriage here: http://www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2009/12/the-golfers-wife/

I assume from your general attitude to things that these sorts of comments would not be something you'd support, and so I wanted to let you know about them.

All best wishes,
S.

Anonymous said...

Years ago I read a saying; "Snoring is the sweetest sound to a widows' ears.". Perhaps spilt milk and cheerios would be the sweetest sight.

WesternWoodburner said...

Thanks for posting this.

MarkyMark said...

It's precisely because of the needless drama over trivial things that have given many men pause when it comes to marriage. We've seen too many guys put up with grief over little things (such as the wrinkled newspaper in your example) that many of us are saying NO THANKS...

The Old Geezer said...

Amen!
Psalm 10:7
His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression; Under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.

There is no evidence that the tongue is connected to the brain

Whatever is in the heart will come up to the tongue

Danielle said...

Hello Anna,

I just wanted to let you know that I have been a long time follower and love reading your blog. I am also a new mom (my son is 9 1/2 months now) and it has been a wonderful and beautiful journey.

I enjoy learning about your life in Israel and about your Jewish faith. I am a Christian myself, but have great respect for you and the practices your family follow.

I just started a blog, mostly about fitness and eating healthy - things I am greatly passionate about. (I, too, follow a mostly vegetarian diet). It is my goal to encourage and motivate other women to live a healthy lifestyle by being active and eating healthy. I also hope to write a series on having a healthy pregnancy and getting the most out of nutrition post-partum, as this is something I have recently been through.

Just wanted to share, and I hope you come by and visit soon.

Your friend,
Danielle

Anonymous said...

Bernice: Don't be afraid of being alone. If _that_ is the real motivation behind a person staying married, well, that person will be married, but miserably so. I am unhappily married, and will stay married for life for other reasons, but am blissfully happy when I get to be alone--and I am like many women my age, believe me.

Angela, the reason that there tend to be fewer divorces during times of recession is not because people draw closer to one another at these times per se--it's because fewer people can afford to divorce. It's just cold, practical fallout. Indeed, at the beginning of this particular dip, there was a spike in the number of wealthy men in the US whose wives (often second wives, much younger than their husbands, so-called trophy wives) left them while they figured there was still a good chunk of money to get.

Anonymous said...

Its true that the little things can and do add up - it can cause much frustration. It could be an everyday thing like crumbs left on the counter or something like having to work lots and not spending enough time with you. For sure, let it be known in a calm respectful manner.
It's important to be aware of those feelings and try to find a solution - whether its having to wipe away the crumbs every morning or live with the fact that he has to work more. Also look at the big picture. If he's working hard and generally a clean, tidy person.. let it go.

To add to another commenter's remark about The Thinking Housewife.. I thought it was an interesting blog some time ago but some of the topics have turned me off. It's too bad but I suppose she is entitled to her opinions and so far, the writings are mostly respectfully debated. I no longer visit that blog.

Analytical Adam said...

In terms of divorce when someone says it is because of NO FAULT which is allowed today (in Israel as well. Is this true, Mrs. Anna that Israel also has no fault divroce?) the person of course will say for a dumb reason but usually there is a bigger reason not that this is right. Woman today can divorce a man and take his money even though he did nothing wrong. Some woman if a man disagree's with them on certain issues they will divorce him and take his money because they can. I think in all divorces Mrs. Anna the man has to pay regardless of who is behaving wrongly. And woman are just as likely to engage in abuse as men are. It is feminist propaganda that only men abuse and the feminist that push this agenda have engaged in terrorism (yes, physical violence to their animals)to women who disagree and feel it isn't just men. Erin Pizzey has been a victim of this and founded the abuse shelter movement. Check out www.mediaradar.org. Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting. Also, today, many groups push divorce at the drop of a hat unlike in the past. Aaron tried to bring peace between a man and a woman. Today it is get a divorce. The torah is generally has mercy but it is interesting that G-d feels that adultry whether done by a man or woman of someone who is married to another deserves the death penalty if proven true(which shows how serious this sin is). This attack on your own and someone else's family is unforgivable to his husband/wife and kids and in todays society you have to pay off an adulterer (both men and women) which no one should have to do.

momto9 said...

totally free with this