Friday, June 20, 2014

Not all on our own

Reading this excellent post made me think about many things. In essence I agree; Me Time is often over-emphasized, over-rated and, worst of all, over-indulged, as in the notion that you are allowed to do almost anything that will make you "happy" or more comfortable. 

However, it is true that motherhood can be draining. It is a joy, it is the greatest project of my life, but it is also hard, hard work 24/7. I will even venture to say that so far, things haven't even really become easier as the children grow. The challenges are simply different. Sure, I get more sleep now than I did when I had newborns, and my day is more orderly, but frankly, breastfeeding and changing diapers was more... straightforward than handling some of the behavioral problems and educational choices we are facing now. 

Before we reminisce about how our great-grandmothers did it all on their own and didn't ask for any help or time off, I would like to step in and say I don't believe it was the case at all. Childcare wasn't the exclusive task of the mother. Our great-grandmothers lived in a much more supportive community, and often close to family who could offer some help. A woman of that time could, perhaps, see her mother on a daily basis; or perhaps she lived near her sister, who had children of the same age, and each of them could take a turn watching the little ones. Or if there was no family nearby, neighbors would often step into its place. I'm not saying it always happened, but it was common.

When my children were toddlers, I had basically two choices: either I stay home with them all day, every day, no breaks (my husband worked long hours) - or I put them in daycare and I'm away from them all day, every day. But I didn't want or need to be away from my children all day; I only needed an occasional break to refresh me and provide some variety. 

In the past, it was common to let young children play outside and explore on their own - such young children that today it would be considered criminal neglect. The outdoors were safer, and there was almost always some responsible adult outside at every hour of the day. This is actually the case where we live now. I can let my daughters (now 5 and 3 years old) walk to the playground on their own, or take a peek around and see which of their friends are at home, or go and visit their aunt and cousins. Everybody does that with children of a similar age, and they are always at least within hearing distance of an adult. People visit each other often. Women with new babies get meals delivered to their homes. There is no feeling of every household being a little island of its own. 

My great-grandmother used to have a maid. Not a live-in maid, but someone who came on a regular basis and helped around the house. You will say, "it may be so, but she didn't have a washing machine." That is true - however, according to my Grandma, the children wore the same clothes all week and only got clean ones for Shabbat. You can imagine how those clothes looked at the end of the week (there were five boys in that family!). Can you imagine not giving your child fresh clothes to wear every day, perhaps more than once a day? If my daughters get a little stain or spill on their clothes - and it happens often, as you can imagine - they start to wail and beg for a change, and sometimes I have to put my foot down, especially if it happens an hour before bath-time. 

So what is my point? Feeling tired and drained is bad enough. Feeling guilty because you are tired and drained and you don't think you are supposed to feel this way is far, far worse. It is perfectly normal to want to feel refreshed and rejuvenated by doing something different. This doesn't always have to involve spending time away from your family - I have learned to say yes to my husband's offers of little escapades in the middle of the week, even if there are dishes piled up in the sink. 

I have learned to put my feet up in the middle of the day for a short while, and to lock the bedroom door and say, "Mommy is resting". Usually this means only a few minutes of lying down, with or without a book, but sometimes I manage to steal a cat nap. 

I have also learned to enjoy my children more, and to participate in their fun activities rather than frantically say, "oh, good, they are occupied. Now let's proceed to the next thing on the to-do list." 

I know there are Moms out there who are struggling; who live far away from any family, and in places where it is uncommon to rely on friends or neighbors. Who spend all day, every day with their children and are so exhausted that a day in the office may seem like heaven sometimes. What I would like to say that it is normal to feel tired. It is normal to want help. And if you live in the way many live these days - a relatively isolated nuclear family - your best and only source of help will probably be your husband. 

Before you feel guilty ("he has been working all day!"), remember that a break can mean not only putting your feet up, but also simply doing something different from what you did all day. I used to be all of a "no, no, let me, I'll do everything" person. But then I realized that after my husband comes home, or on weekends - after he has had time to eat and rest, and do some of his own stuff, of course - he is perfectly happy to take charge of some childcare and household tasks, and doesn't see that as a burden. There is a novelty in that to him, because it's a change from what he has been doing all day and all week. 

Would you go into the kitchen late in the evening and start cooking? I wouldn't, because by late evening I have seen enough of the kitchen for the day. But my husband is often inspired to cook or bake after he has come home from work, or on Fridays. For him, it's recreation, not a chore. Also, often I'll have tired, squabbling kids in the evening, but the moment there's a knock on the door, they run swift as the wind to open and are so good and happy when they are around their father. Why? Because we all benefit from a change. The children, too. 

I realize there are also single mothers (and often not by choice) out there. My heart truly goes out to them and I hope they, too, find the right healing balance for themselves and their children. 

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I remember some of these things, Anna, from when my own children were small. Fulltime mothering is wonderful, yet very tiring. And a change is often as good as time away. :o)

It sounds as though your girls are growing up in a wonderful area of Israel....the countryside is such a great place for raising children!

thinking of you-
Brenda

maria smith said...

I agree. You can't over emphasize the importance of community when you are raising children! When you share the load within a community moms and marriages don't burn out. I also work from home and spend most of my time with my kids. I get breaks by visiting with other moms, and occasionally having my favorite cleaning service take care of the mess :)