Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The trap of ambition - frustrated, exhausted, torn apart... no thank you!‏

Those of you who kindly visit me often probably remember that a few months ago, I started a professional training program in clinical nutrition, considering it less money- and time-consuming and more practical than continuing to MSc like my mother suggested at first. Some of you might have been wondering how it's all working out with our wedding plans and moving out and the general pre-wedding state which is a blur of action. So I decided to fill you in.

First, I must tell you that right from the start, it was much more of a strain than I thought it would be. Even before I met my dear chatan, I already saw how the few pleasant and interesting hours in the morning stretched well into the afternoon, forcing me to cut back on translation orders which have always provided a nice source of income. Of course ever since we started planning our wedding and house hunting, I didn't take any more orders.

Even as it was, I found that the best part of my day is occupied, leaving me with very little time to relax, slow down, enjoy the last weeks I have at home with my family, and spend peaceful time with my chatan, rather than rushing from errand to errand. Of course, when I started working here in the hospital, I had no idea that very soon I will meet my beloved and start planning my life together with him. Otherwise there's no way I would have decided to conform to this madness of rush! But as it is, since I'm already here, I figured I might as well finish the training program rather than just drop it and walk away.

I seriously started doubting the wisdom of this decision after the interview with my supervisors last week. Here's just a short summary of what I was told:

"We feel we don't have your full concentration. You aren't motivated enough. You aren't ambitious enough. You don't do enough study and research on your own. We don't see initiative on your part. You made a very promising impression at first, but now we believe you are neglecting your work!"

You think it escaped their attention that my wedding is scheduled approximately in three weeks? Not at all.

"We know you are getting married. It doesn't make any difference. While you are here we expect you to be fully concentrated on work. Just like we expect L. (L. is currently 7 months pregnant with her second child) to dedicate all of her attention to her work."

You could say, of course, that they could have been more sensitive regarding individual circumstances; I could have defended myself; I could have appealed to their consideration, telling them about our recent problems, our challenges, my sleep deprivation (which makes me act like a zombie most days)... but when I looked at them, I saw a pair of middle-aged career women, hardened by years and years of working two or even three shifts outside their home every day. Women who don't know what it's like to be relaxed and unhurried, able to give your all to those you love the most.

And I decided to remain silent.

It all comes, again and again, to the following: our time and energy aren't endless resources. When you have too much on your plate, something will undoubtedly suffer. And then you will have to make a choice: what will remain in its place of honor? What will have to move and make room for the truly important things in your life?

I already made my choice. After my relationship with God, preparing for marriage and being there for my future husband is my first priority. Had I decided to put the wedding off for a few weeks, and get married in April rather than March, after I have left the hospital, I would probably have had less clashes with my supervisors. But I wouldn't think of delaying the wonderful life I'm going to have (God willing) with my new husband - not even for one day.


Terry said...

Well said, Anna. Life is all about priorities and yours are in perfect order so far as I can see. Stand strong!

Haus Frau said...

You so wisely shared...

"When you have too much on your plate, something will undoubtedly suffer. And then you will have to make a choice: what will remain in its place of honor? What will have to move and make room for the truly important things in your life?"

That's where I am right now, Anna. Too much on my plate is an understatement. I am needing to remove a number of responsibilities but am finding it oh so difficult to do so. This post has given me to continued desire to do what's my life but also my family. Thank you.

Mrs. G said...

Just wanted to encourage you that you have made the right choice, Anna! You will not regret time spent with family and your husband.

PhDCow said...

I'm so sorry you went through that experience. It certainly highlights the cultural and legal differences in our countries.

I'm a huge believer in fate/Providence, whatever you want to call it. This clearly wasn't your path and Providence showed you this loud and clear with blaring neon signs.

Enjoy this special time before you become a wife. In the midst of the planning, just take time to enjoy the significance of the step you're taking.

I'm very excited for you as you start the next chapter in your life!

Gothelittle Rose said...

Oh wow. I "like, totally" got that from my supervisors during my entire time working at my previous full-time workplace.

"We know that you're only working to put food on the table until your husband finishes school and you have a toddler at home and nobody else to really make your house a home, but..."

My boss (a wonderful guy) had to relay a complaint from his boss about my having used up all my vacation time. I let him finish. Then I said, "I used up my last two days remaining home taking care of my son, instead of bringing him to my mother's house, when his fever was 103.7F, and so I was able to bring him straight to the doctor as soon as it topped 104F and get him treated. He's going to be fine. What should I have done?" He looked me in the eye and said, "You're right."

Mrs Slaq said...

Hi Anna,
First of all, congratulations! I'm so happy for you and your beloved.

I do have kind of a question, or maybe I'm just looking for input from other like-minded women on this issue. It only kind of has to do with this post. My husband and I have been planning to move closer to my parents (across country). We had planned this move for August, when our current lease is up. Now, his boss has offered him a raise and a company car if we stay. We have just recently gotten completely out of debt and have some savings stashed away, most of which will be gone if we move. We've gotten comfortable where we are, and honestly, it's kind of scary to consider moving 2500 miles away and starting all over. Also, I finally got the nerve to tell my husband just how much I want to have a child with him (he has not had any interest in children thus far). My parents are devastated that we're even considering not moving (mom has MS and doesn't get along with her sister, I'm an only child) The problem is this: I'm afraid that maybe we're starting to let our finances rule our lives. Hubby thinks my parents are being selfish and that we should do what makes the most sense financially, and that if we move, we shouldn't even start trying to have a baby for at least a year (I'm almost 35 now...) I'm wondering if maybe God is challenging us to act on the trust we say we have in Him. I don't believe He'd give us more than we could handle. We are praying together nightly, and will be talking to a couple we consider spiritual leaders. I really think it would all work out fine if we move as planned, and leave the timing of a child up to God. Am I being unreasonable?

Please forgive me for writing such a book here, but if anyone has any input or advice, it would be so greatly appreciated!


Michelle said...

That's wonderful you're putting your husband and family first.

This is the exact same reason I quit college after 2 years - I needed to be a full-time housewife and learn well what I needed to do there, instead of wasting my time in a "Christian" liberal arts school which only frustrated me with feminist, liberal leanings.
Good for you!

Mrs. Brigham said...

You handled this unfortunate situation very graciously, Anna. Good for you! :o)

A March wedding!!! Wow, just a few more weeks away! What a thrill! I am an April bride myself, and simply love the idea of a spring wedding. As the entire world renews itself with the start of the new season and so much new life, a husband & wife get to begin their life together. So very neat.

Anna S said...

Mrs. Slaq,

I'm not sure about the financial part and about moving; but if you and your husband want to have a child at all, now is the time to try. You are 35; even if you start trying now it might take time. Many women already find it difficult to become pregnant at this age. Every year is crucial.

Ways of Zion said...

Stay Strong! All of us whose priorities focus on God and family seems to get that at one point or another. You are not alone, don't let it get you down!


ps: I've decided to post about my hope chest, check in a couple days and I should have it up!

Michelle Potter said...

Anna, they don't understand where your priorities are, because that's not where theirs are. I'm betting they see this training program as a jumping off point to a full-time career, and can't see why "the rest of your life" isn't more important. Fortunately you know what you want to be the most important part of the rest of your life, and you're putting it first right now. Good for you.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Good for you Anna. You are right and you handled the situation amazingly well. We all need to follow the advice of just keeping our mouth closed sometimes.


Anonymous said...

This quote is so true: "I saw a pair of middle-aged career women, hardened by years and years of working two or even three shifts outside their home every day. Women who don't know what it's like to be relaxed and unhurried, able to give your all to those you love the most."

When I had a career (usually in high-stress marketing and advertising jobs) I found that it was the female bosses who were the hardest. I worked hard, for more hours than I was hired to work, and yet I soon figured out that to really be considered a valuable worker, women considered it normal to "give 110%," work unpaid overtime because we were "salaried," etc. I also got the clear message that to show any emotions under the workload, to show the least bit of stress, or to say it was a lot of work, was also a no-no.

Well, when I was single, I didn't mind working late and playing the game. But when I got married, I just couldn't work the way they wanted me to, stuff all my emotions about it and still be a good wife. So I resigned. I don't regret it at all.

What's so interesting is that it was not male managers who were pressuring me to work harder and harder, "put on your happy face" when overtime was required, saying things like "yeah I'd like to spend more time with my family but this is how life is" etc. It was women.

I think it's wise that you are looking at them with compassion and realizing, they don't know any other way, and perhaps if they are divorced, or their husbands aren't good providers, they don't have a choice. But you do have a choice. And you are making the right one by focusing your energies on your future husband (as well as your new life and your sanity) now.

However, other women will resent it, I suspect.

I was told things like "I don't get home until 8 o'clock, you think I'm complaining" and "I was on a plane traveling to business meetings when I was X months pregnant and sick, but I just sucked it up" and so on. This is all said with a combination of resentment...and a strange sort of pride.

I pray for women like that. I think they got a bum deal when they were told they can have it all. They can't, and perhaps they feel it is too late to scale back, so when other women do, resentment comes up.

I am just grateful to God that I was able to have a choice to walk away from all that. But I think a lot of other women feel like they don't have the financial and spousal support to make those choices, and it makes them bitter.

So we can pray for women like this, wish them the best...but we don't have to follow their model of how to work and live. Because quite frankly, it's not working. Not for them, and not for their families. I know. I have seen the anguish and exhaustion in their eyes. And I almost became one of them. But no more.

Anonymous said...

All I know is that it must have been so hard to sit there while your two supervisors picked you apart! On the other hand, perhaps you expect nothing different from them, if their drive & their own ambition have hardened them as you've described...sigh...I do find myself feeling a bit sorry for these women.

You said it best: "our time & energy aren't endless resources". Sometimes I have to remind myself of that almost daily, & remember my priorities.


Anonymous said...

I was in your shoes once, too - to carry on with a promotion and professional job at a young age - I astounded my superiors by choosing to leave the work force and marry. I have never regretted my choice, but I will also never forget their anger when I informed them of what I had decided!


Shannon said...

Hi Anna,
I can totally relate to the stressed out state you're in with this job. I am enrolled in an online program and it is really throwing me for a loop! I spend a lot of time on it when I could be out making real connections and pursuing my true passions. I am so glad you will be leaving the hospital when you marry. It will be so good for you as you can devote time to your husband and the important things that can never be replaced with a "career."

Anonymous said...

I think it's very wise to spend these last weeks with your family and friends before you marry. When my husband and I got married (the summer after we graduated from highschool) I had a taken a job at a clinic to make some extra money for college. Our wedding day was on August 7th, so on July 7th I quit my job and spent every moment I could surrounded by my loved ones. The morning after our wedding we moved away from both of our families and didn't move beck for a while. I'm so glad I took that month for myself because all of our relationships changed during the time that my husband and I lived away.

Enjoy your time and don't worry about what some crabby supervisors say. I really feel for your friend L, she must be exhausted.

Have a wonderful time, my dear!


Catherine R. said...

Good for you! I wish I had as much wisdom. I can say with certainty that I should have listened to the small voice in my head (otherwise known as God) that told me to stop going to college. Now I have a massive debt and zero skills that apply to my recent decision to be a homemaker.

compactmanifold said...

Oh, hon. I take it this is one of those circumstances where they're treating the job as a gift that you should feel so lucky to have that you repay them with enslaving yourself to them. While I know you value finishing what you committed to, there's nothing wrong with changing things to be reasonable. Sometimes that involves quitting, too.

While I do love my job a lot of that relies on the freedom that I get from being self-employed. I love working part-time and from home, and I'm saving up and looking forward to the day where I can live off my savings and not have to work.

Even now, I'm working with some wonderful people who know that I have other things going on in my life - I get asked about my knitting, races that I've run, places that I've biked, and my cats about as often as I'm asked about what deadlines I have coming up. I'm so lucky to be part of a group of real people (mostly women) who have their own lives but who happen to work on a project together.

Bbowzwife said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with older women who don't understand what your true purpose is. I know it's frustrating, and I know you are exhausted, and, yes, taking on this obligation proved to be ill timed, but God always has a reason for all our trials. In your case it may only be to have an almost tangible reminder in your memory of this time to make sure you never doubt your place is at home. But some where down the road, it may be decades from now, something will happen and something you learned during this time will turn out to be a blessing.

And on a personal note, I'm so happy you will be a March bride like I was! I know it won't be on the same day because this year my anniversary falls on Shabbat but I'm still excited for you!

Remember this will all be behind you soon and you will be able to concentrate fully on your new role as wife and, I pray, mother! It may somethimes feel like you are going to fly apart from being pulled in too many directions but God never gives us more than we can bear and you will get through this.

Remember, you have a lot of women out here in bloggyland praying for you all the time.

Lady-in-the-Making said...

As one who is in that trap at the moment, I am thrilled you will not be drawn into it.

neuropoet3 said...

Mrs. Slaq,
I don't know that I have any good advice about the financial situation - but you might want to mention to your husband that your fertility is not a switch you can just turn on and off when you want to. I was fertile until I was 22 but I haven't been able to carry a baby past the fifth week since then. Thankfully my husband and I were blessed with two boys when we were young (we married very young) - so we do have children - but we would do anything to be able to have more (we always planned on at least 5). After so many years of infertility (I'm 29 now) it isn't likely to ever happen, but we keep praying... One of my best friends married young and they waited four years to begin their family - thinking that it was wiser than what we had done - but then found that they were infertile already when she was 25... They've had some wonderful experiences with adoption though!

I'm so sorry you had to sit through that, but I'm glad you were able to look on them with compassion - it is sad that so many women are like your supervisors were. I don't know why, but it's true that it is women that treat other women badly in the workforce - men usually aren't as "mean" (if you know what I mean). I'm really glad you've been able to keep your priorities straight - your future husband is going to be very blessed to have you!

Just a few more weeks!!!! :) This is so exciting! :)

~Jenny :)

Jeannine said...

I can very much relate to your experience. I started a new job about two months ago and (almost) everyone there expects me to be ambitious and only career-motivated. Having God as my first priority and my dear husband as the second is something most of my collegues do not understand at all.
Already I receive strange looks when I share that I am longing for a big family with many children.
The world' standards are just so totally different that God' standards.
ANd I can see where this worldly ambition that drives many of my female collegues leads them. They are bitter and stressed, their marriages suffer, they decide against having children etc. It just makes me really sad for them.

I'm exited for your wedding! :)

Anonymous said...

Women who put their careers first are often surprised when their husband leaves and their children never bond with them because they spent too much time and energy at their jobs. So they say, "See, I shouldn't have bothered getting married and should have just focused on my career." They are throwing away a treasure to earn crumbs.

It's also possible these women are so angry because they are actually jealous of your choice to put your family first but don't think they can do it, thinking they need to earn money to "be someone".

Mrs. Slag, if you are reading I understand your dilemma. Another thing to consider is does your husband like his job, or would he only be staying because of the money? Will he be required to work lots of extra hours? Maybe he can take the job for now and you can plan on moving near your mother in a few years? I also agree with whomever said not to wait on the baby. The longer you wait the harder it will be.


Kelly said...

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but boy did it bring back memories for me. When I was still working full time as manager and trying to plan my wedding I think I got the EXACT same speech, also from an older career woman who chose career over children. I sat there wondering what to say too and I too chose silence. I then quit working two weeks later and cashed in almost 7 weeks of vacation time I had acumulated over five years and had a paycheck up till the week after I was married.
Don't think another minute about what they said focus on your life, your real life with your husband.
God Bless you.

Rebekah S. said...

My heart goes out to those poor women(your supervisors) who just don't understand the beauty and joy of homelife.

I was saddened by what they said about that poor expectant mother. What's more important and what will last: your career or your influence in your home?? You and I both know the answer, don't we, Anna? :) We are to have a vision of multi-generational faithfulness, knowing that how we prepare ourselves for our marriages and motherhood, how we train our children, etc. will affect the coming generations. Never underestimate the power and influence that the godly mother has in the home! Unlike the godly people who just don't seem to understand, Karl Marx(the "Father of Communism" and a Satanist) saw the importance and influence of the godly mother in the home, and that's why he set out to begin feminism here in the West. If only more Christians understood what he did: that the godly homemaker has more power and influence for God than any career woman could ever hope to have.

Great post, Anna! :)


P.S. I had no idea that your wedding is going to be so soon!! :) Your excitement to begin your marriage and the keeping of your home is so evidant! :) I'm so very happy for you.

Anonymous said...

Anna, something almost identical to this happened to me!
I am a mother of three, and I do work full time for a hospital, although I work from home, telecommuting. My youngest child has autism, so as you can imagine, I am a very busy lady. Not only that, but my husband travels for a living, meaning I am home by myself for weeks at a time, tending to work, home, children. It can be quite a handful.
At my annual review about 4 years ago, I was given a poor grade on "teamwork." Meaning that I wasn't available to help others. Never mind that I was in charge of the largest facility in our network, and that people were generally helping me because my workload was double theirs, even though we were paid about the same. When I questioned the grade, my supervisor haughtily informed me that "others had complained that you spend too much time caring for you son." I replied that I would have no idea how they would know if I was spending time with my son, considering I work from home and only see everyone once a month.
He then replied that "I never help anyone" until I reminded him that I had a larger facility. Then he said "People also complain that you use your son as an excuse not to work to your fullest capacity." I responded that I was curious to know who would say such a thing. He refused to tell me.
Luckily for me, I had run a stat report before I reported for my review, and when he mentioned that my stats were lower due to my "obsession with my son" I had the numbers ready to prove that I was in the top 10% consistently in my field. Then he decided to hit below the belt, and asked me to stop sending personal pictures of my son through e-mail. I told him I would happy to stop sending the pictures, as soon as he would stop sending pictures of his dogs and puppies. He then wrote me up for insubordination.
Any wonder why women are coming home in droves? I would rather be subject to my husband, who loves me, cares about me, our children and our home, than some random man or woman who cares nothing about you personally.
I have to add, this particular supervisor was fired a year after I had this review, for improper use of company e-mail. (He was a gay man and used his work email for a dating site, which is a total no-no)

Rebekah S. said...

Catharine R.,

How my heart goes out to you, dear sister! Feminism and colleges have jipped countless ladies, haven't they? I have a blog that is dedicated to edifying, equipping, encouraging and strengthening girls and women who desire to be homemakers, wives, mothers, and helpmeets to the complete glory of God. On this blog, I also often refute feminism, post devotionals, etc. etc. Please come check my blog out! :) I pray that it will be a blessing to you.

Best wishes,

Leigh said...

Good for you Anna! Family comes first! :) Happy planning.


Rachele said...

Dear Anna,

To an extent, I understand. Reading your post made me anxious about my next review. My supervisor encouraged me to pursue "climbing the clinical ladder" it involves a lot of paperwork and if you are successful, a large pay raise. I haven't done it. Not because I couldn't put the money to good use but because I resent anyone thinking that I am working to further my "career".

On the flip side of things I am single, and I am a nurse. I feel it is important to use my skills now, in my single years, since I live alone. I do not work 40 hours, but I make a point to be a good nurse to my patients and their families. I try to be fully available to my patients and my coworkers when I am working.

I can sort of see the point of your supervisors and mine. If they are paying for my time and investing in my professional education and development, I owe it to them to do my job well. Largely, I don't do it for them, I do it for my patients. But if you are being paid I understand how they feel they deserve "all you have to give" during your working hours. However, following that line of thought ought I not start climbing that ladder?

Though your priorities are most certainly in perfect order, do you feel any responsibility to your superiors or your patients?

I would appreciate your comments on this, if you have time. I find there are a lot of grey areas when you are single and working.


Apple Cider Mama said...

This is such a timely post for so many women. I recall speaking with a friend of mine (a wife and mother) who is a college professor. She told me that she did not get tenure (a rather grueling process) because it would have been impossible to care for her family properly while going through it. This means that her job at the university is never exactly secure, but she put her trust in the Lord, and eight years later, she's still got her position and is a much-loved professor. Personally, even without the tenure, I don't know how she does it! I feel blessed to be able to stay at home to care for my husband and daughter (though I do work a couple months out of the year during the evenings; I'm an actress). I think others said it well: these people do not understand your priorities. Just remember to hold firm to your vision for your marriage, family, and home, it'll pull you through many situations like this over the years.

Miss Rose Virginia Butler said...

I think I would have done the same, Anna--just stayed silent. What could you say to that?

Dana said...

I think you made the right choice. We all have difficult choices to make in life...but sometimes we have to shut up and just listen to what God says. He doesn't always tell us in big bold letters 10 feet high what we need to do; sometimes, He whispers.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading your blog. So much thought and insight and understanding of the delicate threads that encompass domestic homelife. :)

I'm not sure if you have addressed this or not but I was wondering: how does your chatan stand on your staying home vs. working outside. You wrote that your mother wanted you to work outside the home. What are his feelings regarding this?

Amber said...

It seems like your supervisors are quite demanding. I hope, though, that you don't let your opinion of them seep through to apply to all working women. Both women and men can get overly focused on work and lose track of what's really important in their lives. I'm glad you know what's important to you.

Anonymous said...

I would like to leave the workforce behind to be a full-time house wife. I believe some women handle jobs better than others and some women are more career minded than others.People look down on women who are not career minded as weak, and lazy. I respect your choice and don't let the negativity you experience affect you. The people who speak negatively about your decision probably wish they could do the same.

Ewokgirl said...

I have to say that I'm impressed with the fact that you opted to stay quiet and not defend yourself. It would be very hard for me to stay quiet in a similar situation.

However, I don't mean to offend, but they do have a point. If you're committed to doing a job, they have every right to expect your full attention and energy. I think any woman who has held a job outside the home can relate in some ways. I was teaching approximately 100 high schoolers every day while planning a wedding, looking for a new place to live, etc. I had people's educations in my hands, so I certainly couldn't afford to slack off, much as I might have liked to. Sometimes there are simply periods in life in which there isn't time to relax and savor due to circumstances.

I do wish you well as you embark on this new phase in your life. Marriage and being able to stay home is a wonderful experience!

Kate said...

You know look on any magazine rack and half the articles are about stress. De-stress, stress cures, stress reducing foods, etc. That should tell us something terrible is going on.

Anonymous said...

I had a very similar experience when I was student teaching (elementary school). My supervisor told us, "Eating and sleeping are PRIVILEGES... you must make sure all your work is done first." She would call our homes at random times, even at night, and if we weren't home, she would reflect it in our grade (because she assumed we were not doing our work). Needless to say, I began to get very ill, only sleeping two hours a night (if I was lucky, even on weekends) and I lost 50 lbs. in three months; I didn't honestly have TIME to eat. I also became severely depressed from slep deprivation and a bad diet. I finally had to quit 1.5 months before graduation. She was too much. A few months later, they discovered that I had multiple sclerosis, which was not helped by the stress and lifestyle.

You must do what is best for you and your love, and I applaud you for that. Family is more important.

Michelle -- I wanted to offer some advice. Perhaps your local MS Society would be able to offer some caregiving solutions available in your mother's community? Some communities have resources that few know about, funded by United Way or such to help with respite care. Medicare (in the US) may also help pay for care if she has that. Look at to locate her nearest chapter and give them a call. Hang in there! It is so hard to be the primary caregiver. It is a lot to shoulder.

Lillian the Ponderer said...

Anna, you made the wisest decision. Putting God and our families first is always the right decision. I am longing for the day in just a month or two (by God's grace), that I can hand in my notice.

The other day I was sitting listening to a very boring work presentation and I was reflecting that I was spending more time doing this than I would spend for the whole of that day looking after my dear husband and our home, It just struck me as so wrong. I looked around and all the other women were doing the "professional nodding" thing where they try to look interested in all the work related stuff and it made me so sad.

Nobody can do everything and these last few weeks with your family are precious, you have more than enough to do with your family AND wedding planning. I am sure that especially your grandmother will appreciate the extra time that you can give her before your energies become focused in a different area.

Anna S said...

Just a small clarification: I'm not employed at the hospital. I'm a student. I PAID for that training program out of MY pocket. Thus, since I'm not paid, I don't owe anything to the hospital and I find their expectations ridiculous.

Coffee Catholic said...

I worked like a dog at college for five years...and then I walked away to get married! It's a choice I will never regret because I'd rather have a husband and kids then a college degree. I wish you many blessings from God as you choose your new wonderful path as a married woman!!

Rachele said...

Dear Anna,

Thank you for clarifying. That certainly makes their harsh review of you that much worse. Do forgive my misunderstanding. I thought we were in similar situations when I assumed you were also working in a hospital.


Leigh said...

Hi Anna,

Just checking on you. I just heard about the shooting in Jerusalem and I am not sure where you are at. I hope everyone in your family is okay.


Jan Hatchett said...

Wow! It is so clear that so many of us with similar priorities have had such similar experiences, and I have felt the pressure as well.

As a happy wife of 20 years and mommy to 2 boys, I can honestly say that the times that I had my priorities in order have been the best times for our family.

One of my boys is mildly autistic and needs expensive therapies and a private school. I have been able to teach at school to earn tuition for both boys and help pay for therapy. I am with my children nearly constantly and since I am at a Christian school, I am blessed that I am supposed to put my God and my family first. For us, God has provided an income and a blessing for now. Who knows what the future may hold?

Hold fast to your faith in God and follow his course in his time and you and your wonderful hubby to be will be blessed beyond measure! Much love and prayers for your marraige.

Mrs.KAOS said...

I wish more women stood up for such noble things. However I am sorry you are having clashes at work/training; and I hope you will find a few moments of peace soon.

Anonymous said...

Hi...I was the one who told the story earlier about being in marketing/advertising jobs and then quitting. I just wanted to clarify that I also did my job, met my deadlines, and worked the hours I was supposed to. But I had the distinct impression that to really make it, I had to work EXTRA hours, which worked when I was single, but not when I was married. I think there is an unwritten rule, at least in my country, that to really be a productive worker, you have to work long hours and be stretched to your limit.

Working the hours you were hired to do, and doing the roles you were hired to fulfill, just isn't enough anymore it seems. You have to do more, more, more (without getting paid more, more, more!).

I'm so glad that is over!

Fair Skies said...

Dear Anna, it could be that the frustrations at the hospital are part of something you need to experience before you enter marriage, some lesson to be learned, since you had made the plans to take the training before meeting your chatan. It's good you have hung in there and attempted to finish the training, even if it hasn't been completely at the satisfaction of your supervisors -- you didn't just quit. You have been right to be silent; whatever you would have said they wouldn't have agreed with, probably, and also, you showed them respect by just listening to them and not speaking back.

To Mrs. Slaq, the one thing I would advise you to examine in your dilemma is to try to determine just why you were moving near your parents -- was mostly to help out your parents, or mostly to help out you and your husband? While it is very important to be supportive of your mom in her illness, your first priority is to support your husband. If he likes his job a lot and really wants to stay where you are, it would be best to support him. I am sure it will disappoint your mom if you don't move back, but, there must have been some reason you all moved far away to begin with, and you and your husband need to determine if it is best for the two of you to still be where you are.

As for when to have a child -- I just don't understand why everyone puts it off so long. Hey, I did it too -- I had my son at age 29, and daughter at age 31. There just seemed to be all these reasons why it was best to wait -- the main reason was, I was doing the career thing, and had this stupid notion that only uneducated, ignorant women had babies when they were in their early 20s. How dumb -- it was just some stupid notion I learned from feminism. I tell my own daughter, now 20, not to wait so long, but have her kids when she is youthful and healthy and can run after them!

So, if your husband and you are ready to have a baby now, don't wait a year to start trying to get pregnant -- start now, since you have no idea how long it might take. Your mom will be delighted to have a grandchild!

BrigetRose said...

You are such an admirable person! Your experience has taught a lot, thank you for sharing!