Thursday, December 8, 2011

Nurturing ourselves and others

Thank you all for the overwhelmingly supportive response to my last post. It is so encouraging to hear from other mothers who are facing the same challenges (not that I thought for a moment that my challenges are unique, but it's reassuring to hear it all the same). 

My friend Avigayil, in her comment, mentioned nurturing ourselves - something we usually have to take charge of, because no one in the house can know our material needs as well as we do. We are the ones who know whether we are tired, hungry, in need of a shower, preoccupied about something that keeps sitting in the back of our mind, and so on and so forth. 

Basic needs have to be taken care of. Of course, sometimes we will be required to step out of our usual limits to take care of others, such as at times when there is a new baby, or a child is sick, or other emergencies. But it doesn't work long-term. We simply cannot ignore our own needs on a regular basis and still expect ourselves to have the mental energy to nurture others. One can only give what one has, it is a basic law; just as I cannot give a thousand dollars if I don't have them, I cannot give relaxation and peace of mind to my family if I'm an overwrought, exhausted nervous wreck by the end of a day (or even worse, close to its beginning).

Of course, here we reach a point when an argument might follow, discussing what is a basic need and what isn't. We are all vastly different and come from different cultural backgrounds; some would say that going on a vacation abroad or having two cars is a basic need for them. For the moment,  however, I will focus on three things that are important to me in order to get through a day successfully: food, sleep and last but not least, re-uniting with our Almighty Father for even a brief time. 

I will start with sleep, because lack of it is what makes me malfunction most seriously, and additionally, it isn't something I can simply catch up on whenever I need to (as opposed to food). Recently, when I realized I can hardly drag myself out of bed most mornings, it occurred to me I simply must make getting more sleep a priority. To do this, I basically had 3 options: go to bed early, get up later in the morning, or take a midday nap. Now, getting up later in the morning is not a really feasible option most days, and I can't always count on getting quiet time in the middle of the day. So my only real alternative was going to bed early. Of course, it would mean missing out on things I could be doing during the evening (whether housework or my own projects), but as I found out, I don't really do anything constructive anyway when I'm too tired, so it's not a big miss-out. 

Then there's food. Here we're doing good; I sit down to eat with my kids at least 3 times a day, and often we have a snack once or twice in between. I love to cook. I love the wonderful aroma that fills the house as pots stand bubbling on the stove. However, I mostly make one-dish meals (pasta, soup, crustless quiche, stuffed peppers) and there are those days when cooking just doesn't fit in. On such days, I'm thankful for frozen leftovers, and when it comes to the worst, there's always eggs, toast and oatmeal. 

Then there's spiritual life. I consider it a must, like food or sleep, but it doesn't have to happen through solid long periods of inward reflection and prayer. I simply close my eyes, for a few moments several times a day, to lift up my thanks, sorrows, hopes, requests and frustrations. 

Now we come to a point which, I have noticed, is often debated, regarding its necessity and even advisability. I'm talking about having one's own projects and making time for them, for enjoyment, personal growth, and learning not strictly related to our job as wives and homemakers. Here I see two polar attitudes; there are those who say your own comes first and you are entitled to anything as long as it makes you "happy". There are also those who self-righteously give up on anything unrelated to motherhood and homemaking, and feel it would be selfish to have any hobbies, friends or intellectual pursuits. 

I am somewhere in between. I certainly have enough in my home and with my children to keep me busy from the moment I rise till the moment I go to bed, but I find it stimulating, enriching and uplifting to carve out - again, not long stretches of time, but snippets here and there - to work on projects which, as I feel, enhance my intellectual life; creative writing, crafts, expanding my knowledge about things that interest me. Those things occupy, of course, only a small portion of my time, but it's like the icing on the cake. An added bonus of this is that kids who have a mama who loves to learn and create, will, I am sure, love those things too. Seeing their mother's enthusiasm about various things is a far more effective learning boost than a detached flow of "reading is good for you" admonitions. 

Others come first. I cannot keep little children waiting (not for any considerable length of time, anyway) for their meals, naps, baths, boo-boo kissing, storytelling and discipline. But I can and will make sure that I am not forgotten either. For long hours every day, I'm the only adult in the house, and I sometimes feel alone; sometimes there's the pressing need for a friend, a mature, generous, motherly-type friend who would kindly ask: how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do for you? What would make you feel better, more secure, more comfortable? 

I don't have to wait for someone else to ask those questions. I can be my own friend. I can ask myself: how am I feeling? What can I, realistically, do for myself right now? What would make me feel better, what can help me relax? Is it a cup of tea? Baking some cookies? Curling up on the couch while my children are playing on the floor? And sometimes, in the desperate busyness of a day, I can tell myself, "hold on. It's crazy right now, but as soon as things calm down, as soon as the little people in your charge get their necessary portion of attention, you can have some for yourself." It doesn't make me lazy or selfish. It makes me a responsible mother who teaches her children self-worth and self-respect.


Anonymous said...

I recently read a blog post about speaking to yourself in the third person. It sounds rather strange, but it really does make it easier to take reasonable care of yourself. The post is here:
Take care,

Kate said...

Really enjoyed this post (and the one previous). You have a lot of valuable insight to share with Moms of all walks!! :)

Carol @ Aliisa's Letter said...

I have read this post and your previous one. The memories of when my children were little comes back.
Currently when I visit my daughter's home with 4 children (ages 2 months to 8 years) there is always something I can do==hold the baby, read a book, give attention to the 2 year old, load dishes in the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, etc. The early years of child rearing are exhausting. As women we benefit from offering support to each other.

I agree with you-- moments spent in prayer can quiet our hearts. The heavenly Father wants us to communicate with Him, and He can give us strength.

In the midst of the early years it is hard to envision the season when the demands on our time are less, but it will come.


Tia said...

Oh I've so been there!

What I've found, for my own sanity, is the ability to take mini-breaks. And I don't mean weekends away, I mean that my children have learnt that when I have a cup of coffee in my hand, I will not be giving them my full attention and there won't be cuddles. 5 minutes, preferably sitting at the window or somewhere where I see more than 4 walls and mess. Just a chance to recharge.

Of course, that doesn't work with babies. But the washing machine can wait, even quite young children can learn they won't get very much of me until my drink is finished, and I can let my mind wander upwards.

And yes that longing for adult conversation. For any conversation which doesn't involve snot or bowel movements, frankly!

The balance is so hard to find, and small children are relentless. And it doesn't mean you don't love them, and it doesn't mean you're lazy. There's a reason we're supposed to take a Sabbath. Now obviously we can't just stop being mothers for one day every week, but we can take those precious minutes.

I also have a dear friend who lives too far away to come and visit. But we schedule regular phone dates; we'll often clean our houses together whilst on the phone to each other. It makes the work much lighter, sharing it like that.