In the past days, beginning since last week actually, I've had very little time for... well, for everything, it seems. And when things are a little rushed, as you may well imagine, my computer time - along with other personal pursuits - is the first to go. So what happened? Nothing too terrible; my husband is feeling a little under the weather, and took a few days off work. And of course, as you all know, when a family member is sick - and particularly when it's Daddy staying off work - your routine (often along with your sanity) flies straight out of the window.
For me, the most difficult part in days like these is the feeling that I'm milling around, trying to accomplish this and that - simple things, really - but somehow, nothing gets done. The barest essentials stretch throughout my entire day, and it feels like every little task demands thrice its usual time. And of course, laundry still needs to be taken care of, meals cooked, dishes washed, animals tended, play dates hosted, etc, etc.
So, in the midst of my little frustrations, I decided to challenge myself and change my attitude. Perhaps, in the near future at least, efficient work is denied me. But I can still do something... and why not in the areas that can give me satisfaction, while also benefitting everyone involved?
Clutter is one of the things I find most difficult to tolerate. I see a place that can be beautiful, and yet it is messy; I see space that could be wonderfully utilized and easy to maintain and clean, and yet it is piled high with stuff I know we will never use again. This is especially jarring after I've visited the homes of other people, homes which are smaller than mine, yet every object has its proper place and function, and nothing unneeded is tolerated within the home - from necessity, which blossoms into something very inspiring (for me at least).
However, I have also had to come to terms with the fact that I am married to a pack rat, who finds it hard to say goodbye not only to his 20-year-old floppy disks from the era when DOS still ruled, but also to some little baby sleeping bags which Shira used for perhaps one month, and Tehilla not at all, and which have been taking up much-needed shelf space for nearly 4 years now. Furthermore, my husband will rarely pass a dump with discarded furniture without rescuing a few boards, some door knobs, nails, etc. Most of these sit unused for years, until I (after a long process of negotiation) wheedle permission to dispose of them.
Please note I am not complaining. I realize this quality is part of my husband's self-sufficiency; he is always on the lookout for useful objects which help him in his DIY projects, which have saved us a great deal of money throughout the years. Whenever we do need something, we are almost certain to have it on hand. But due to such accumulation of various objects, our house - how shall I put it? - does not have the look of a showplace.
So... having said all this, I realized that lately, I have been wallowing in bitterness over the inability to put the house in order the way I see fit. "Fine," I told myself, "I lost the battle. I will always cringe when people come to visit." But then, as I looked around me, I realized that all around the house, and especially in the yard, there is trash and clutter in abundance (without even taking the disputed stuff - and there's a lot of it - into account), and lately I have grown neglectful about it, because I couldn't have my own way in everything. Well, no more, I said - and began the job of clearing the yard. It might never look perfect, but it looks much better, and I feel much more accomplished, too, despite everything seemingly being upside down, at the moment.
Since I truly cannot know whether I will have time to log in tomorrow or not, perhaps now is also a good time to say that tomorrow will be our Shira's 4-th birthday. Actually, since we count a day from the evening before, now is tomorrow already! No words can be enough to say how grateful I am for this child - this wonderful, special child. So many sweet memories accompany the moment, 4 years ago now, when she was placed in my arms - so tiny, so fragile, so perfect. Now it's hard to imagine that once upon a time, she was not a part of our lives.
I feel that if I'm going to write much longer, I will end up sounding completely incoherent, so I'd better wrap this up now. I hope to talk to you all soon, and certainly intend to fill you in on our (as planned, very modest) birthday celebrations.