Sunday, May 5, 2013

Changes always come

I'm reading this beautiful post and crying. 

"I thought there’d always be sand and Tonkas and footed pajamas, and always a place at the table and their shoes at the back door. I thought there’d always be stacks of picture books and read alouds and legos everywhere. I thought we’d defy time, that they’d grow up and stay little, that we’d have our cake and eat it too and we’d have it all. A head can think otherwise but somehow a heart can feel wiser"

When Shira was born, I - unconsciously, of course - thought of her as a first out of a dozen. She was unique and special and wonderful, of course, but I was gearing up for 20 years or so of pregnancy, nausea, fatigue, breastfeeding, diapers, sleepless nights, spit-ups, and everything else that comes with babyhood. 

It didn't happen yet, it was only in the vague future, but I was already tired, so tired, just from thinking that it might be. That was preventing me from truly enjoying my baby. 

20 months later our second daughter was born, and I said to myself, "There, see. It's going to be like that for decades. A baby every 18-20 months."

Now Tehilla is 2.5 years, and I still only have my two girls, and for various reasons it might be that I can never have another. I am at peace, because I know Who is in charge.

And I'm going around the neighbourhood and giving away baby things, and smile through my tears when I see other women's babies wearing them, and I cook meals for mothers who have recently given birth, and we sold the crib and stroller and the shoes are getting gradually but irrevocably bigger. And the girls are still very little and my hands are full, and I am happy with all that had been, and all that is, and all that might be, but here I stop.

I savor the moment. The day. The time. It will never come again. And you know what? Even if I had a dozen children, it would not change a thing about the particular moment with a particular child, for every life is unique. 

Do not lose the present worrying about/planning for the future, for the future, really, doesn't exist. We can prepare for it, but we cannot live in it. We can only live in the here and now, seizing the moment, seizing the day. 

And so I'm reading and crying, and reminding myself that it's OK to cry. 
It's OK to be unable to say one more thing, for sometimes words aren't needed. 

25 comments:

Cheryl said...

I love the title of this post "Change Always Comes"...because it does and we have to be open to what He has in store for us, even if it isn't what we had wanted or hoped for our future.

This post is very heartfelt and I appreciate it that you opened yourself up in all honesty. There are so many hurting people out there and it is nice to read things that aren't always pretty and wonderful and orderly.

I'm sure that your post has touched many people . Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Love the picture <3

With Hope,
Cheryl

Anonymous said...

I too, only had two, so to speak. I didn't expect this outcome, but I have tried so very hard to embrace the family I've been given. I did have to let myself grieve, though, because a dream and hope died, in a way. That is how life is, though. It just doesn't follow a plan! It just unfolds, and we can choose to fight it, or embrace it. I did let myself grieve, but only for one day. That's it. I let the tears flow, I grieved, I prayed, and then the next morning, I told myself that I wouldn't let myself grieve anymore. To did so felt like self-pity. I looked down at my two, and I thought, I have TWO!! Wow!! Many don't have ANY.

It's now many years later, and my two sons are nearly men now. We've had a great time together!! I had plenty of time, attention, energy and stamina with them even though I'm an older mom (gave birth in my 30s.) Homeschooling takes A LOT of stamina and energy, by the way.

I still have one box of brand new 0-3 month old clothes that my last never wore because he was in the hospital for nearly three months after his birth. I gave everything else away, but I will never give these away. I plan to use them for our grandchildren, should we be blessed with some. I gave myself permission to keep them.

It is a little sad and weird when giving away the "baby stuff", but you'll forget about them (Yeah, less clutter!)

Leah Brand-Burks said...

So beautiful, and so true. I feel the same in many ways, knowing every day is the only one of its kind, and I try to cherish them while they are small. :*)

Linda said...

You sound wise beyond your years. We never know what our future holds.
The picture is so sweet.
Linda

Katy M. said...

:) Thank you so much for sharing this.

Avigayil said...

Hugs. I can relate. I get choked up sometimes wishing I could have more. I say I "can't" simply because of my husband's age now. I try to focus on the three I have and be thankful that I have them and my very very full life. But yes, I too would like to slow down the clock and I can't.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this, Anna. My youngest are 7 and 9...feels odd to no longer have a baby and to know I never will hold another. But onward to investing as much of my heart as I can into these little lives!

Especially enjoyed seeing the picture you shared.

Peace and rest to you!
~Lin

Sammy said...

Thank you. I really needed to read this right now.

Kate said...

Thanks for sharing. I myself found a similar hard and unexpected road. We got pg with our first and I expected/intended to keep right on having them, we were looking at having 3-5, I was fairly young and had no trouble getting pg the first time. Boy was I wrong!! I'll never forget the day, shortly after my 2nd miscarriage (in which we absolutely gave up trying to get pg again) that I unloaded all those boxes of baby clothes for a garage sale. My BIL was around to help and said "Are you sure you want to give these away, they would make great hand-me-downs!" It took ALL my self-control (if looks could kill!) to calmly say... "and why did you think they were so carefully packed away?"... It's SO hard. SOOO hard. But I treasure my precious little boy. And I'm also happy to be free of those 2 years of trying, hoping, miscarrying, etc. I know I'm a better Mom to focus on what I do have rather than what I don't.

Anonymous said...

I am the mom on one living child and many angels that did not implant via IVF.

Several years ago I started saying "God only gave me one child..." but I'm not sure that's fair to my dd. It makes it seem she is not enough or somehow I'm not happy.

Most days I think nothing of more children. But, I am 47 and very likely this is it. OK. Some days I cry. I still dislike Mother's Day for many reasons.

But my main goal is to strive for contentment with what I have and not grieve or covet for something I don't.

J in VA

Mrs. Anna T said...

Thank you, all you dear and precious friends. I love you.

Jessica said...

Many hugs, dear Anna <3

myunghee said...

So sorry to read about this heartbreaking issue. But sometimes it may lead us on different path.
My parents could Not have children and they adopted four kids from three countries. We are all blessed and an Amazing family. If you have more maternal love to give think of all the homeless and unloved children in this world. Maybe it is a road that bless you and others. Wish you strength and courage!!

Cate said...

Good for you. You never know what's coming. Your optimism and goodness shine through. Your girls are very lucky.

Linda said...

After many years, I thought I would only have one child...twenty years later, I had another child. One never knows.

Anonymous said...

I also had two and cherished every lovely moment. They are almost grown now 14 & 17 and I thought my days of books, trucks and blocks were long gone until a beautiful unexpected surprise arrived our 3rd child. If I am totally honest this came as a total shock as this was unplanned I thought my life was heading in a different direction. You never know what the future holds or what's arround the corner all we can do is live and love this moment.I would never have thought I would be here again with stories, trucks and blocks loving every moment....

Mrs. Anna T said...

Linda, it is true, one never knows.

If G-d sees fit, He will give me more children, either through birth or by working on our hearts and our circumstances towards adoption.

lavender garden said...

Anna, you are a beautiful and inspiring person. May Hashem continue to bless you and your wonderful family with good health and nachat. May he fill your lives with wonderful things.
Chag Sameach.

Linda T. said...

We walked a similar road, and His plans were so surprising and such a blessings. After our second daughter was born, we had five long years waiting for another pregnancy. I did conceive again, much to everyone's surprise, then again six years after that, then again five years after that! So, our children are now 36, 34, 27, 21, and 16. Each time was a precious reminder of Who gives life .

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this entry. I have two children, I wanted at least four, but that was not to be. I grieved, oh how I grieved, and longer than one day. And then I prayed...I did not pray for more children, I prayed for peace in my heart. And peace came, my prayers answered. No more longing, no more wondering what might have been. Perfect peace and clarity.

~ Ann

Anonymous said...

What lovely words.

Thank you.

-Tanya

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your hearts desires with us. I think a lot of ladies need to hear this:) j

Donalacasa said...

I gave away all my baby things and then had baby 3 and 4. LOL Maybe I just needed a fresh start. :-)

Laura Spilde said...

Yes it is wise to always choose life. If the creator of life chooses only to give us a few blessings, that is what we must cherish.

I have had miscarriages (yet I have three children) and I know I will not get to hold them in my arms here on earth. I will sort through my homebirth and baby supply only to have some on hand and organized so that they are ready to be used and ready to go if God's plans are for us to have more children.

I am enjoying the training of the three that we have on earth now. It is like training a sheep or a cow to be obedient and willfully listen to mother at all times and in all places.

momto9 said...

hugs to you! what a blessing for your that you can accept and enjoy what is!