Being just a few days before my due date, I'm of course busy with things like washing tiny clothes and packing my hospital bag, but if you ask what I've been doing most of all in the past month and a half, the answer would be, fretting and worrying about the upcoming birth.
All sorts of crazy thoughts are swirling in my brain:
How on earth do babies come out of there? It doesn't make any sense! (Never mind that I've had two babies come out just that way, with no complications, very straightforward. I think I can have ten babies and never fully grasp the sheer miracle of it.)
Whatever made me think I can do this? I'm sure I can't. It will kill me. My body will fall apart. (Again, never mind I've already done this and was up and about the next day).
I don't want to be there. It's not the pain I'm afraid of, it's the enormity of the act itself, it's just freaking scary. I don't want to be aware of what is happening to me. Someone please put me under general anesthesia and wake me up when the baby has arrived.
I've been suffering from insomnia. I haven't been able to really focus on anything productive. I've been having heart palpitations and shortness of breath and panicky thoughts that can amount roughly to, SOMEONE STOP THIS TRAIN NOW, I WANT OFF!
My husband reminded me that I've had the same fears before, and that when I actually got into the last few days before labor, I experienced a feeling of calm, relaxation, faith and confidence. He's right - I guess it's part of the hormonal alchemy that indicates my readiness to go into labor.
Last night, I came across the most beautiful, amazing, encouraging and peaceful birth story I've ever read. It was just incredible how something clicked into place once I've read it. For the first time in many weeks, I was able to go to sleep at night peacefully, without sitting up in bed for a long time, gasping for air and moaning, "I can't do this! I can't! Perhaps it's not too late to schedule a C-section?"
I invite you, too, to read and be inspired.